i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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