I wish i was in the wii world.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
