Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
