god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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