you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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