sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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