I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
