so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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