Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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