I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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