I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
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