I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
