A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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