My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Farmville is her only friend.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
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He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.