I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.