There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like heaven, but drunker
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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