I just saw a hot homeless man
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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