i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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