Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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