After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
