The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
