The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
