i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
its liver damage thursday
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
