The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
