maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
