Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.