No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
