You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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