Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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