What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
