I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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