halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
