I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.