I CAN MOONWALK!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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