The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Help me help you realize you are a moron