i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back