i think my tv is drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful