i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.