a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
