The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
