she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
