If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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