last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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