do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
