Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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