I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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