it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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