Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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