Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
