we have pet lesbian snakes
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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