i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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