remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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