my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?